prepare. prevent. plan.

i was at work the other day and i had a break coming up. i wasn't really hungry then but i knew i would be hungry later. so i did some preventative eating, as i told my work buddy "n".

"n": why are you eating now? i thought you weren't hungry.

me: but i'll be hungry later. so i'll eat now, be too full for a while but then be comfortably full later.

"n": that makes perfect sense.

so i thought of other things that i do in advance because they will be in short supply or lacking later. like how if it is really cold outside, i will walk around with heavy sweaters on, working up a little body temperature increase. that way, when i do venture out into the chilly air, my elevated body heat acts as a defense.

or if i know i will be working late/babysitting for my sister's children/anything that causes fatigue, i will force myself to take a nap. i'm not really tired now.

also can apply to:

getting gas when my tank isn't even half full

changing lanes three miles ahead

reading a book in the morning so i can waste the entire night watching the latest season of 24

i'm not really "this" now. but i will be later.

To Whom It May Concern

this is an open letter to all those who have or who may in the future dial a 1-800 number. to you, i write this letter from the other side of that phone call.

dear caller,

hello and thank you for reading this email. my name is (insert proper name here). yes, i am here to help you with your zappos order/credit card information/college transcript information/and whatever else you may deem so important as to dial us in the first place. before i continue on, let me put down my half eaten muffin from safeway and my new, crisp copy of this week's people. did you know that you can get safeway muffins for seventy-nine cents? and that the drama of jon & kate is still going on?

are you surprised that i know this? why would it be surprising to realize that the individual on the other end of the line is a real person - one is sitting next to the woman who is pulling ten hour days to help her husband get heart surgery. the one who colors in between phone calls as a stress reliever and who puts tape over the clock on her computer. the one who endures your criticisms and tirades so she can pay for graduate school. the one who has a favorite color (green), a favorite drink (diet coke), and a favorite time of day (the minute after she is off the job).

this individual does not enjoy this phone call anymore than you. in fact, as your heart beats in anger at the first sound of an innocent, fake yet polite hello, her own heart is beating in fear at the first deep breath and the first all familiar phrase:

"why do you (insert favorite expletive here) people..."

so as you berate and argue and as your blood pressure gains dangerous ground, her face is buried in her hands and her finger is hitting the mute button in order to respond "no, this guy is screaming at me" when a co-worker asks if she is okay.

and when you finally request to speak to a manager, did you know you both pray with thanks when that transfer occurs?

phone representatives are not out to get to you. they are not out to stonewall you with poor customer service and long hold times. and most importantly, they are not computers with no feelings. they cry when you yell, laugh when you call in drunk, vent to their friends about your ranting, and are happy when you figure things out all by yourself.

so, let us try and make this a pleasant experience for everyone. mostly so you can get off the phone faster and she can get back to her muffin and magazine.

thank you for reading and have a good night,

customer service rep