have you seen this family?

who: family of gnomes

 type: of the garden variety *snort snort*

last seen: various gardens, lawns, orchards, fields

suspects: anyone seen carrying any or all of them under their arm/in a wheelbarrow/perhaps like a sack of potatoes/in a yellow volvo/being pulled by a herd of dachshunds

reward: a handsome payment, as these gnomes are needed as decorations for upcoming holidays, family reunions, weddings, baptisms, baby blessings, a viewing of what's up doc? and/or pillow talk, grandparent visits, and mission farewells.

Blog Plagiarism: Part II

it was my friend m. she mentioned the blog and when the tears of laughter formed at my eyes, i knew i was in for some more cheating.

blog copying.

catalogliving.net

i too await for the first waves of furniture to come upon the shore.

Blog Plagiarism?

is it bad to copy a blog post from another blog post? is that equivalent to copying your neighbor's answers from the math test? or perhaps their short answer as to why kennedy beat nixon in the 1960 election?

either way, here is my post of a post.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/11/dogs-dont-understand-basic-concepts.htm

and i still don't know the cool way to turn a link into a short phrase. like "ta-da!" or "get ready to laugh/ponder/cry/wonderwhatthismeansformyfuture".

The Parental Pause

a few months ago, i happened to have the following conversation with the parent of one of my high school peers:

me: how's adam doing?
father: oh, great! he's in salt lake now ... workin'.

the pause, along with the uplifting lilt on the last word, i realized i had stumbled upon what i now call "the parental pause".

definition: when our parents want to say more about their children but have been told to say less by those very same children. here are some examples - mostly from my own life.


curious-friend-of-my-mother's: so, what is joanna doing these days? (translation: how old is she again? when did she finish college? is she the one that went on a mission? IS SHE MARRIED?)
my mother: oh, great! she's here in portland ... workin'. (translation: she's 27 and though she finished college five years ago AND went on a mission, she's not married. perhaps you know of an eligible young man?)



former-young-woman-leader-upon-running-into-my-parents: wow! haven't seen your family in a long time? how are the twins? what are they up too? (translation: i know you had twins - i just can't remember their names. remember when they babysat my children? DO THEY HAVE KIDS YET? OR A HUSBAND? NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER?)
my dad: she's staying ... busy. (translation: i know she is working but i can't really describe it. she sure keeps the house clean and organized. i don't like to ask her about her boys.)
my mom: she's also ... workin'. (translation: i also can't really say what she does but i hope it throws her in the path of righteous, wealthy, and available young men. WE STILL ONLY HAVE 21 GRANDCHILDREN.)


note: for further evidence and testimony upon this new literary discovery, please see my sister. or my friends. or even my mother. we have talked about this. she admits. it's true.

In Six Words

I read somewhere someplace that someone asked E. Hemmingway if it were possible to write a story in six words or less. He responded: Baby shoes. For sale. Never worn.

Here is my story in six words or less.

Missing Rachel.

Other half.

Now texting.

For my mother

my life is not interesting. i get up at 5:50 a.m. i literally stumble to the bathroom - i have hit the wall a few times now. i leave for work. i see the same man at the park throwing his ball for his golden retriever and then wish i could take my dogs outside without them running away, barking their noggins off. i drive the same stretch of freeway and have now followed the same car to the same parking lot three days in a row. i have also avoided being stopped by the same bus three days in a row.

eight hours pass.

i drive home, realizing i am driving home when i am about fifteen minutes into my drive. my drive is sixteen minutes long. i think about being productive and reading or running or cleaning or being non-catatonic. and then i stop thinking. and i take a nap.

two hours pass.

i wake up and hear my mother saying: you should update your blog. your sisters have.

so i do.

* the golden retriever i do not have and that i do not throw sticks or other pet paraphernalia for*

Points of View

My niece, Natalie, and her cousin, Jaden, were baptized last Saturday. It was a great occasion, punctuated by antics of children gone wild in their Sunday clothes on a Saturday afternoon.

Here are some thoughts I am sure floated through some of the minds of those who came:

Natalie: "OHMYGOSHTHEWATERISFREEZING. They promised it'd be warmlikeabath."

Elizabeth: "Wow. My daughter is getting baptized. She is so beaut - Cameron will NOT get a cookie if he keeps doing that."

Mom: "Was that LLOYD'S cell phone!?!"

Dad: "Oops. Was that mine?"

Rachel: "I want to hold Ave- whoa. Cameron almost made it over the wall."

Joanna: "I hate waving my arm. People know I know they know I know I have no idea what I'm doing."

Cameron: "Where is my cookie!?"

Mom: "I just want to talk and get it over with."

Andrew: "Natalie getting baptized. Makes me feel ol - what is Cameron doing!? Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh."

Seth: "Cameron is a riot! I wonder where we'll go for dinner afterward. NOT Olive Garden. They just slop it dow - was that Dad's cell phone?"

Ella: "What is Aunt Joanna doing? This is not how it is done in Primary. I want my cookie."

Eric: "I'm so proud of Natalie. I'll just sit right here beside her. I'm sure Elizabeth can enjoy the other childr- was that Cameron running down the hall?"

Mom: "Why are there so many people here!? I just want to talk and get it over with."

Natalie: "Um. Was I supposed to hug Grandpa?"

Maddox: "If I breath on the glass, it fogs up."

Evan: "Maybe on the drive home, Dad will take us to one of the FOUR Dairy Queen's between here and home."

Cameron: "Just grab the top and then - where is my cookie?!"

Rachel: "I'll just keep giving away my orange mints to Maddox."

Elizabeth: "Why is he taking Ave - I sure hope she's clean."

Mom: "I hate talking in public. Just focus on Natalie and Jaden. Don't look at the girls or Seth."

Joanna: "Oh no. The closing song. THREE verses."

Pianist: "Wow. She was right. She really does not know what she's doing."

Kellan: "I can get right in front. Why is Cameron trying to get in? He has to be eight."

Eric: "Phew. Confirmation done."

Cameron, Ella, Maddox, Kellan: "Where is MY cookie!?"

Congratulations Natalie.